Fearful.

So lately, I've been extremely humbled by God grace. Not in a small way but in a "I've dealt with these things for a long time and God I need help" kinda way. Since I can remember, I've always dealt with having maybe a little more anxiety then the "normal" person. I struggle with fear everyday. It's all I've known all I can remember feeling since a young age. Due to the fact that I moved around so much in my growing up years it seemed to grow this fear of rejection and failure in my life. Moving place to place brings a certain amount of worry and stress upon a person to fit in and be accepted. As the years went by the need to be accepted has grown and grown as it has become an idol in my life. I'm going to be real, even a look or a tone in someones voice can make me feel like absolute garbage, like I'm not wanted at all. Especially from those who are closest to me. It hurts the most. It brings me to a level of rejection and loneliness I have never experienced in this way before. It's unreal how fragile I feel. I've been having panic attacks due to the amounts of change and stress in my life.

 I'm done with telling myself the lies that only dig myself a deeper hole of self pity that I hate so much. Right now, I don't feel happy, and I know that God didn't call us to happiness, but to holiness. Joy is is not dependent on our circumstances but through knowing Christ and understanding redemption through His blood we can live in freedom from sin. So this sin, this struggle has not been an easy one for me, trying to keep it a secret for so long has only hurt me more then just talking about it. It's time to start dealing with it. Its like feeling okay enough to get through the day but that's your only goal, to get through the day. How sad. Instead of being thankful and finding joy in the little things that God has blessed me with I can't help but think, I hope tomorrows better then today.

In my mind there is a tug of war that neither side can win. It's always this push and pull of truth and lies. I'm cheering for the truth to win but the lies seem almost just as strong. One side gains a step only to lose it again, right now, there is no winner. That's what this battle feels like. Although I know who the true winner is, truth, Christ, but the sin that I have held so dearly to for so long won't let me run into His arms. Even if every second my entire being, my soul, lonngggsss so much to be in communion with him... I just... can't. I'm bound of years of chains that have held me back from conquering this through Christ. I want God to tear down the walls of my heart to bring myself to Him but he has chosen to let me wrestle with this for a time. Then so be it.

Truth is this is the hardest and most scary season of my life and God has placed me here for a reason. He is not finished with me yet and I am growing through this. His hand is so evident and even though I can't walk, he is carrying me.