As I listen to this playlist I realize I used to love to explore music, the rhythms, the unique sound of a performers voice the way it brought out my emotions, how it made me feel. It's like the artist knew exactly what I was feeling or going through in that very moment in time. Music has always spoke to me and I think I miss the thrill of finding a new artist or band to be obsessed with a short while, listening to that one song over and over until I move on to find another. I can distinctly remember moments where I'd go outside at night and just stare at the stars and just think about how beautiful they were, how they made me feel so small. I miss those type of things. Those moments where you feel still and your heart grows a little in size. Here I am getting all nostalgic thinking about how life used to seem so "simple" to me.
Being a mother has been the most amazing and challenging experience but I'm realizing that it can be overwhelming sometimes. It has torn my sense of identity up numerous times (in a good way) and has made me way more self reflective then I could have imagined since I saw that little plus sign on that plastic stick. I don't do some things as often anymore than I used to, things that make me feel still. I feel like my life as a mother has been a blur, it has moved way to fast for my liking and I can't believe it's almost been two years since I found out I was pregnant with Brielle. Through the great days there are some days that I wish would just end. I'm going to be honest life hasn't been the easiest in the last couple of years for me. There has been seasons of suffering, loss and hardship that I would never like to repeat. Moments where I can't breathe because of the heaviness of my anxiety, unable to process the events happening around me. Moments where I feel like I don't have a way out, feeling trapped and utterly helpless. It's been a lot to process and yet I want to be strong, to be the mature Christian, to be the best roll model to my daughter, the best wife to Luke that I can be, a good friend to those around me. I think I put a lot of pressure on the ideas of who I want to be and don't just let God take those things on His shoulders. To surrender my anxiety, hardships, and downfalls to Him is something that doesn't come naturally to me. I like to hold on to my failures and meditate on them until they destroy me a little bit. They constrict my heart until they cut off my blood supply to my brain and then I realize that depression has been a familiar face that I'd like to forget.
But through it all I remember that there is HOPE. A hope that destroys fear, anxiety and my depression. I know that my suffering Has not been in vein. I have hope that I will spend eternity with no pain or suffering bowing at the feet of my Savior worshiping Him forever. Because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross I live.Without Jesus the focal point of my existnace I don't think I would have been able to get through those darkest days. He is the reason there is breath in my lungs.
Though life has been the least bit predictable for me that doesn't mean that I haven't experienced the purest joys that God has bestowed on my life. The moment I locked eyes with my daughter for the first time, the time me and Luke kissed on the train tracks, saying I love you for the first time in Luke's car, watching the stars dreaming together, saying "I Do", standing on top of a mountain, feeling and smelling the ocean after being apart for years, getting my hands dirty in restoring our garden, seeing my daughters 'firsts', playing with rushing air out of the car window on a warm day, reuniting with longtime friends, watching the sunrise and at the top of my list, becoming a Wife, a Mother and a Friend.
There is so much to be thankful for and I can't say that the Lord hasn't blessed me with more than I deserve.
I don't want to perceive that my life is perfect and if you truly know me, I'm not a sugar coated cookie. So if you see a picture on social media that looks like I have it all together, I don't. There is so much more to my story then what I post on my Instagram or Facebook. We put on good faces and hide the ugly parts to avoid making others feel uncomfortable. Let's just be honest you don't usually see a post about the big fight someone had with their husband the other night or how someone's kid had tantrums all day. Yes I'm talking about myself there. Haha. So cheers to keeping it real! You are not alone in your struggles!
So if you made it this far in my post.. Thank you for reading! Here's a picture on my one year old! Gah, I can't believe se's ONE! Man I love that kid.
Being a mother has been the most amazing and challenging experience but I'm realizing that it can be overwhelming sometimes. It has torn my sense of identity up numerous times (in a good way) and has made me way more self reflective then I could have imagined since I saw that little plus sign on that plastic stick. I don't do some things as often anymore than I used to, things that make me feel still. I feel like my life as a mother has been a blur, it has moved way to fast for my liking and I can't believe it's almost been two years since I found out I was pregnant with Brielle. Through the great days there are some days that I wish would just end. I'm going to be honest life hasn't been the easiest in the last couple of years for me. There has been seasons of suffering, loss and hardship that I would never like to repeat. Moments where I can't breathe because of the heaviness of my anxiety, unable to process the events happening around me. Moments where I feel like I don't have a way out, feeling trapped and utterly helpless. It's been a lot to process and yet I want to be strong, to be the mature Christian, to be the best roll model to my daughter, the best wife to Luke that I can be, a good friend to those around me. I think I put a lot of pressure on the ideas of who I want to be and don't just let God take those things on His shoulders. To surrender my anxiety, hardships, and downfalls to Him is something that doesn't come naturally to me. I like to hold on to my failures and meditate on them until they destroy me a little bit. They constrict my heart until they cut off my blood supply to my brain and then I realize that depression has been a familiar face that I'd like to forget.
But through it all I remember that there is HOPE. A hope that destroys fear, anxiety and my depression. I know that my suffering Has not been in vein. I have hope that I will spend eternity with no pain or suffering bowing at the feet of my Savior worshiping Him forever. Because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross I live.Without Jesus the focal point of my existnace I don't think I would have been able to get through those darkest days. He is the reason there is breath in my lungs.
Though life has been the least bit predictable for me that doesn't mean that I haven't experienced the purest joys that God has bestowed on my life. The moment I locked eyes with my daughter for the first time, the time me and Luke kissed on the train tracks, saying I love you for the first time in Luke's car, watching the stars dreaming together, saying "I Do", standing on top of a mountain, feeling and smelling the ocean after being apart for years, getting my hands dirty in restoring our garden, seeing my daughters 'firsts', playing with rushing air out of the car window on a warm day, reuniting with longtime friends, watching the sunrise and at the top of my list, becoming a Wife, a Mother and a Friend.
There is so much to be thankful for and I can't say that the Lord hasn't blessed me with more than I deserve.
I don't want to perceive that my life is perfect and if you truly know me, I'm not a sugar coated cookie. So if you see a picture on social media that looks like I have it all together, I don't. There is so much more to my story then what I post on my Instagram or Facebook. We put on good faces and hide the ugly parts to avoid making others feel uncomfortable. Let's just be honest you don't usually see a post about the big fight someone had with their husband the other night or how someone's kid had tantrums all day. Yes I'm talking about myself there. Haha. So cheers to keeping it real! You are not alone in your struggles!
So if you made it this far in my post.. Thank you for reading! Here's a picture on my one year old! Gah, I can't believe se's ONE! Man I love that kid.
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